I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
