Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
