I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
๐๐๐ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I canโt tonight. Iโve got to see about a penis
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