Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
