my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize