Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
