i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
