eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
