Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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