i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
