If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
