Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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