I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Hippo gnu deer
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize