FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
