You're my little dorito
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
