cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
