My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
