I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
