Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
