we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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