I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
