Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
