My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
