we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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