and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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