I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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