I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
