I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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