i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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