Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
