he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
