he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
