don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
