grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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