You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
