I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
