just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
