I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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