a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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