i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
