I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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