I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
