I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize