Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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