This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
