I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
