God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And then my night got REAL pukey
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
