But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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