i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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