So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
