He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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