I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
