there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
