ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize