it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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