I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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