I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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