Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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