I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
