I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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