the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Houston, we have a blender
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
