I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
