If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
