woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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