why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
