why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize