Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
